Good evening America…. I stand here before you, overwhelmed by the final verdict of our unique nation. I, Paris Hilton am the first female candidate to have won the position of Presidency in this great country of ours. I have achieved the unthinkable! Once again, America has demonstrated her ability to be different. While, I know, the pressure I expect to face in the coming years will be a lot, I promise that I will deliver on the trust and faith all of you have reposed in me. The Democrats have always striven hard to win and I symbolize them and thank them for the support they have given me. The last President, Barack Obama, America’s first African-American President, as some of us here know, has given me support throughout my campaign. I thank him for this…
My fellow Americans, I promise you that I will bring success but not without some hiccups. BE STRONG and TRUST me, for those who do not, in time I will hopefully prove to you that I am the right person to burden all these responsibilities on. I believe that a country should be run and managed just like we American women manage our houses – orderly, neat, clean and well planned. I want to make changes in our internal policies to ensure that this understanding of mine is effectively executed.
The revenue department also should be run the way I run my household budgets – Americans, we must learn to spend only what we earn – this is the only answer to our deficit balance of payments problem.
The White House has been standing for the last two centuries and for the first time in its history; I am going to use my redecoration budget on the out side rather than the inside. I plan to make a historical change. I have decided, as some of you know, that the White House is going to be painted pink. Many people will object but please do understand that this is necessary. It is befitting for a woman President to create the correct ambience for all the people who visit her.
My father and mother tried to discourage me in the beginning but seeing my determination supported me through thick and thin. Thank you dad, thank you mom, I hope I don’t let you down now. I promise I will behave this time.
I would like to thank Michelle, my designer for the outstanding evening gowns that she created. The dresses went a long way in attracting big crowds. People were curious to see how I would look at every event. The media was fantastic in portraying my pictures in the best light. The swimsuits that I auctioned helped me get money for my campaign. I must also thank Diana, my hair stylist for her unstinting support. The new styles she created were ones that the public personally adored. Their hard work has paid off and helped me win this hard-fought campaign
Throughout my campaign all 17 of my dogs travelled with me across this vast nation. There were many difficulties they faced but they did not falter even once. They ate what was given to them and never complained about lack of sleep or comfort. Without them, I could never have fought so long or so strong. This brings me to the pet licensing policy and one of the first things to address is that an American will be allowed to keep a maximum of twenty animals in the house, without a licence.
Before I started campaigning I had acted in some movies and none of them were great hits. Therefore another policy that I have decided to make is that every movie I act in must run in every theatre tax-free everyday. This must continue for one month…
I will not endorse anybody driving under the influence of alcohol because after the experience of being in jail for drunken driving, I realise that it is no fun. Teenagers and adults – listen to your President – don’t drink and drive. However, this experience has not gone in vain. I appreciate the problems prisoners face in jail. The inmate’s orange clothing is poorly designed. It made me look fat and clashed horribly with my hair. I hope during my term as President, I can address some of these issues. I propose to invite some of the world’s top designers to suggest new designs for the inmate’s clothing.
A lot of people wondered why a successful fashion socialite and struggling singer like myself should run for the office of the nation’s President. I would like to take this opportunity to explain one of the most important reasons for this decision. Most of you know that I have grown up in the lap of luxury and have never had to work for a living. However, some months ago, my grandfather decided to pledge his wealth to charity. My Porsche, BMW and Mercedes were repossessed. I was even evicted from my Fifth Avenue apartment in New York. This is why I had to stand for elections – to earn the salary that the President is paid with free accommodation and transportation thrown in.
Come, my countrymen and join me to create a new page in history. Let us all work together in harmony to create a more fashionable and enjoyable TOMORROW.
And for tonight…. LET”S PARTY!!
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